Hero

Hero is a musical short film about a 41-year-old single mother, cancer survivor, special educator, army combat veteran, non-swimming woman who culminates months of training with Team in Training (Eugene, Oregon) to compete in her first triathlon — the Pacific Crest Triathlon in Sunriver, Oregon on June 27, 2010. All to raise money for cancer research … and to discover the hero inside herself.

To enjoy the film, make sure your computer speakers are turned to a comfortable level. Then click on the video box above. To view the film in full-screen mode, or if you have any trouble viewing it here, click on the direct link below. The film is about six and a half minutes long, with a special bonus section after the closing credits.

Direct link to video:  http://vimeo.com/13225508

(You can email this link to others to share the video with them.)

An Ending and a Beginning

Swim Happy!

Bike Happy!

Run Happy!

Somewhere in the middle of my triathlon training, I made the decision that I would train until the big day, then just take it easy until next year’s triathlon.  The training schedule was getting more and more intense and taking up more and more time.  Plus, I wanted to explore some other interests this summer, like yoga, belly dancing, and horseback riding.  Then, the big day came and in the week that followed, there was a flurry of emails amongst my teammates all expressing the same feelings:  This had been so much fun and we were all so sad to see it end.  Finally, one email said, “We don’t have to ‘break up’ if we don’t want to!”  After a week of rest, a small group of us ran the Butte to Butte together- a 10 kilometer run on 4th of July morning, with over 6,000 participants!  It was so much fun seeing my teammates again for this local race!  A few days later, we made plans to meet up at Dorena Lake for a swim across it.  Two of my teammates have decided to train for a half iron man race in September, and a handful of us are continuing to train for the next triathlon- the Dechutes Dash, in Bend next weekend!  I wasn’t quite ready to tackle swimming across the lake, so the girls and I went along in our kayaks as the “safety boats”. Everyone who swam made the mile across the lake, and 3 teammates made the second mile back across again!

Yesterday morning found us all at the lake again, at 8 a.m. on a Saturday, meeting up for a swim and a run.  I can now pretty easily swim race distance without getting too tired.  The water is now quite pleasant and although we continue to swim in wetsuits, there are many people at the lake, now that it’s summer, playing in the water in their bathing suits.  I can also pretty easily run the 6.5 mile course that used to be such a challenge for me.  Wow, wow, wow!  While I don’t want to continue training at such an intense pace, I certainly want to maintain this level of fitness, and slowly continue to build it.  Our coach has put together a list of upcoming triathlons in our area and he hopes to attend one a month with as many of us as can participate.  Unfortunately, the cost is a bit prohibitive (Dechutes Dash is $95.00 to enter, plus I need to find 2 nights of lodging), so I thought maybe I’d focus on participating in 3-4 per year.  I am definitely going to participate in the Pacific Crest again next year with Team in Training!  I’m hoping to be a mentor next year so I can help out new people.  If anyone is interested in participating, let me know!  Training starts in January.

On this beautiful sunny Sunday morning, the day before I go back to work for my five-week summer session, I’m reflecting on what all I learned and experienced during the past five months.  In this final blog posting, I thought I’d share my reflections:

1.  During the race, I learned something about the human body.  I have always known intellectually that the images we see of the human body in the media are of just one body type- thin and  tall.  I know that this is a false representation of the human race.  However, I somehow subconciously held on to the belief that if I just trained hard enough,  my short, stocky body would morph into a tall, lean, athletic body.  I thought that training created that type of a body.  During the triathlon, I believe I saw every body type there is- plenty of the tall, lean, athletic bodies, but also short and lean, short and stocky, short and fat, tall and stocky, tall and fat, medium and lean, medium and stocky, medium and fat.  I was amazed at the range of body types represented, and even more amazed to see that it didn’t matter the body type- they were all completing the same triathlon!  I finally got it, way down deep in my subconscious.  We are born into our bodies, and while our lifestyle choices can certainly impact how healthy our bodies are, we cannot morph into a whole different body type.  And, we don’t need too!  Our bodies are amazing, whatever type they are.  We don’t have to have that tall, lean, athletic body to complete a triathlon- any body type will do!  This experience has left me, finally, at peace with my body.  I am in complete awe at what my body was able to accomplish, and I feel like Wonder Woman!

2.  I have also had some subconscious beliefs about age.  I somehow believed that my best years were behind me- in my 20′s I was in great shape and very athletic.  I believed that once we passed our 20′s we could still stay in shape, but not at that same level.  In this triathlon, the largest age category for both men and women was the 40′s, and the ages ranged from 15 to 80.  Wow!  I no longer believe that age is any type of a barrier when it comes to being athletic.  I’m starting to believe that at 41, I’m just starting to reach my peak!

3.  I learned a little something about happiness, too.  I am generally a pretty upbeat, optimistic person.  However, I have held onto the subconscious belief that true happiness is something that I could strive for, but only reach once I got a little more money, a little nicer house, a little newer car, a few more friends, a great boyfriend, etc.  During these past five months, I’ve experienced a solid level of happiness like I’ve never experienced before.  It didn’t make sense to me at first- why would I be happy?  I was just coming off of a year of cancer hell, the death of my brother, and the breakup of a relationship.  I’m still single-parenting two challenging kids, still not making enough money, still living in a house that needs repairs, still driving an old car. Why would training for a triathlon make me happy in a way that nothing ever has before?  I believe there are several aspects of this training that are responsible for my happiness:

a.Exercise- exercise releases the “feel good” hormones and I’ve been getting a solid, steady dose of those!

b.  Learning something new- learning to swim was so very hard, but also very, very satisfying as it all started to come together.  I think my brain really enjoys tackling something I’m not good at and working with it until I start to get good at it.

c.  Meditation- I’ve never been one who could meditate by sitting still, but there were many times during my training when I feel like I entered a state of meditation.  I had many bike rides where I just looked at the trees and the river and my mind was at rest.  With the swimming and the running, there were many times when the only thoughts in my mind were about breathing and moving forward.  I think this mental rest is important for me.

d.  Goals- Having goals that are hard, but obtainable in a reasonable amount of time, gave me a deep sense of satisfaction.  Raising money, learning to swim, biking and running ever farther each time, all made me feel like I was accomplishing something.  Maybe I can’t afford a nicer house, but I can raise $3,500 for cancer research!  Reaching my triathlon goals have made the other goals- the nicer house, etc, unimportant.

e.  Helping Others- Getting outside of my own self and my own life and my own problems and focusing on raising money to help other people in the world has been deeply satisfying.  As a whole, our teams raised enough money to fund over 1,000 days of cancer research.  I think about the pain and sweat and muscle aches I endured as directly leading to researchers in labs finding a cure for cancer.  The level of happiness that thought brings me is so intense that, again, it makes driving a nicer car or earning more money seem unimportant and insignificant.

f.  Sense of Community- Being on a team, all working together towards the same goal, has been so much fun!  I feel so honored to have been on this team.  My teammates are people who I probably never would have crossed paths with out in the world.  We range in age from 20′s to 50′s and are from a wide variety of back grounds and professions.  Yet, we all came together to form a team to work towards a common goal.  And, we all met our goal!  Laughing together, sweating together, crying together, has left me feeling like I’m a part of something quite special.

g.  This last bit is hard to put into words, but I’ll try.  The fundraising part was very hard for me.  I tend to be on the shy side, and talking to people and asking them for money does not come easily for me!  Doing this fundraising pushed me to talk to strangers and it built my self confidence.  When people said yes and donated, I was so happy!  I really enjoyed the hundreds of small conversations I had with people where they would share how cancer had touched them, or just give me words of encouragement.  I also learned from the people who said “no” to donating, or who acted bothered by my asking.  I learned that they weren’t rejecting me, they just didn’t want to donate.  I learned to feel strong and confident in the face of rejection.

h.  Writing the blog has given me a huge sense of happiness and satisfaction.  I love to write and in my career and my day to day life, I don’t have opportunities to write.  This blog has given me a reason to explore a passion of mine!  It has also gotten me interested in photography, a very old interest of mine.  When I was a teenager, I can remember wanting to learn more about photography, but never really pursuing it.  Now, i’m making plans to take a photography class and I’m so exited to have that to look forward to!

i.  Grief.  What to say about grief?  I went into this training deep in the middle of some pretty big grief.  I have been baffled to understand how I can be grieving and be deeply happy at the same time.  I have come to realize that it is possible to  experience two strong emotions at once.  It is possible to be happy and sad together.  I have also learned that grief doesn’t have to paralyse me and make me miserable.  The grief can just ride along with me and make friends with my happiness.  I still feel so sad about things, especially my brother’s death.  But I also feel happy and hopeful for me.  The next triathlon is the day before what would have been his 49th birthday.  I feel like I get to keep my brother’s spirit with me, the piece of him that was light and happy, and take it along with me where ever I go.

What’s next for me?  I don’t know yet, but I know it’s something wonderful!

Thank you to all who have read this blog and cheered me on!  Stay tuned for one last posting- a surprise from my brother, Steve, who put together something special to share on the blog.

Sun Setting Over Dorena Lake

The Triathlon-Part 3-The Run

Just finishing the bike

I was feeling great on the bike until the last few miles, when i started to get tired.  I came into the finish line and was so happy to see my kids, mom, brother, and a friend all cheering me on!  I made it into the transition area and I got a little burst of energy.  I changed clothes completely (fresh socks, shorts, shirt, shoes) and debated for a few seconds whether or not to continue wearing my head scarf.  I realized that it was very hot and sunny and I wanted to stay cool, so I quickly made the decision to douse it in water and keep it on my head, thinking it would help to keep me cool.  I’m so glad I made that decision, because it was HOT!  Plus, this was the head scarf (called a BUFF) that I wore all while I was bald, and for some reason I felt like it needed to come along on the run with me.  I got my iPod all set up and away I went.  I was so happy, again, to see my family cheering me on on my way out of the transition area.  I got hugs from them, and Kaycee jogged along with me for a little ways.

Starting the Run, High Fiving Mom!

Starting the Run

My original plan was to walk the first mile, because in training, that’s about what it took for my legs to start working well enough to run.  Plus, the first mile of this course had some small uphills on it.  However, I got my music going and the first song was my all time favorite running song I Got a Feeling, Black Eyed Peas, and it gave me a burst of energy, so I started off at a slow jog.  My leg muscles were burning like I’ve never experienced before, so the jog quickly turned into a walk/jog.  I was counting on a water station at mile 1, but it wasn’t there!  It was at about mile 1.2, and I drank a small cup and dumped a cup on my head.  On mile 2 I began wondering where all the shade was.  The run was all through the forested paths of Sun River, and I had remembered more shade.  So far, I seemed to be in full sun and it was HOT! I ran pretty steadily for mile 2 and 3, and was happy to see that I was passing people again- probably all those people who passed me in the swim!

I was thoroughly enjoying my run music and going along at a nice pace.  I had spent some time the previous week getting all my favorite run music onto the iPod, in the order I wanted it, and having that music was so motivating to me!  Plus, I was still using my brother’s iPod, and I felt like some of his spirit was with me on the run, coming through his music.  I had kept some of his songs, plus added some new ones of my own.  At mile three, I was really, really hot and starting to feel not so good.  My muscles seemed to be on fire from the inside and I just couldn’t get cool.  At the next water station, I poured water all over my head, legs, arms, and body.  I was feeling kind of sick, so I wasn’t able to drink more than a few sips.  The electrolyte drink tasted really gross- too sweet- so I stopped drinking that.  I had a few energy gels in my pocket, but couldn’t eat them for fear of them making me even sicker.

Just past mile three, my iPod stopped working suddenly.  I started walking so I could fiddle with it.  It just would not work.  At about that time, a teammate passed me and encouraged me to just forget the iPod and run.  I remember yelling, “I can’t run without my music!” and feeling just so frustrated, tired, hot, and MAD!  Finally, finally, I realized that the music was gone and I was just going to have to gut it out.  I took the head phones off ( I think probably all the water dumped on my head caused a short) and just walked for a bit.  As I walked, I had time to talk with some of the other people who were also walking.  I saw many purple Team in Training jerseys, and I was reminded why I was doing this triathlon.  My competitive spirit had taken over on the bike and the first part of the run, and I just had to shoo it away and remember that I wasn’t doing this to win something.  I came to peace with the lack of music and just focused on taking each next step.

At about mile 4, I was able to start slowly running again and when I got to our house along the path, there was Tyler (our swim coach) with a hose on and encouraging words.  I dumped the iPod, cooled down, and felt much better.  Also all along the path, from the very beginning, there were fun things written in chalk (our coach and our bike captain had snuck out the night before and spent hours writing things for us on the sidewalk).  Some of these things were funny, some were sweet, and some were motivational.  They helped me so much because once the music was gone, I focused on looking for the next chalk writing.

After passing the house, I knew I only had a little over a mile to go, and I knew I was almost there!  I was just in my own world, focusing on breathing in and out and putting one foot in front of the other, when I reached a particularly hot stretch where I was all alone.  Suddenly, without warning, a huge, loud, firm thought/statement/voice surged through my being, saying, “IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT”. Immediately, I knew that this was referring to my getting breast cancer.  I gasped for air and started sobbing all at the same time.  I felt a heavy, crushing sensation in my chest and I had to stop and just try to catch my breath.  I was crying so hard that I could not catch my breath and it felt like I was having an asthma attack.  I looked around and again, and I was still alone.  I just took a few moments to try to understand this voice/thought thing.  I realized that on some deep level, I have believed that getting cancer was my fault. If only I had exercised more, or eaten more blueberries, or not stored my food in plastic containers, or whatever, I could have prevented it.  I have been bombarded for years with headlines saying, “eat this cancer fighting food” or ” avoid this and reduce your risk of cancer”.  I somehow came to believe that if I just followed these headlines’ advice, I could avoid cancer.  Since I got cancer, I somehow came to believe it was my fault.  I also believed that my body let me down and was weak, and somehow allowed the cancer in.  In an instant, the message of IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT brought to the surface the pain of the false belief that it was my fault.  This belief crushed against me, passed through me, and was gone.  It has stayed gone.  Once the pain passed and I could breath again, I was still crying from the relief of such a heavy burden being lifted.  At this point, I felt so much love and compassion for my body that I just wrapped my arms around myself and apologized to my body for blaming it for letting me down.  I realized that getting cancer for me was like getting hit by a car.  It was just a random thing that happened that I had no control over.  My body didn’t let me down at all.  In fact, my body fought like crazy to get rid of the cancer.  My body is fighting like crazy now to recover from the whole ordeal.  I was also overwhelmed with what an amazing creation the human body is.  I became fully aware of what a miracle it was that I was completing this triathlon.  I was totally exhausted at this point, totally out of energy and I just wanted to lay down on the side of the path and not move any more.

I was still sobbing when people began to pass me and ask if I was ok.  I realized that I was ok, just tired.  I got control of myself, began breathing normally, and began slowly, slowly, running that last mile.

With just about half a mile to go, I saw my coach and my captain running toward me on the path, coming to meet me to run with me to the finish line.  I heard them say, “you’re almost there”.  We had a rule that no one could say, “you’re almost there” until the finish line was really, really close.  So I believed them!  I put on a burst of speed so I could zoom across the finish line.  That lasted for about 5 seconds until I realized I had nothing left to give.  I slowed back down and just focused on getting across.  I saw a cameraman and I forced a smile, then I saw the finish line!  Oh, how sweet it was to cross that line!  I felt physically terrible, but my spirit was elated and free!!

THE FINISH LINE

I will write one more post to this blog, then it will be finished!

The Triathlon- Part Two- The Bike

The Day Before- Setting up the Bike Transition

Starting the Bike Ride

On the Bike Course

The bike ride was by far the best part of the triathlon!  I got out of the water so elated and energetic and jumped onto the bike full of energy and ready to go.  My transition time was about 5 minutes.  All along I’ve been struggling with slow transitions because I ALWAYS have to go to the bathroom after the swim.  The key to this problem is to pee in the water before getting out.  I’ve never been able to relax enough to do this, until this time!

I set off on the bike, thinking I was all set.  But, at about mile 1, I realized that I really needed to go to the bathroom again. Luckily, there was a bathroom nearby that I knew of from my camping trip, so I stopped.  This probably added 4 minutes to my time, but made the ride a whole lot more enjoyable!

I felt really, really happy on the bike ride.  I was ecstatic!  I had a lot of energy and I started passing people, which felt good after being steadily passed during the swim.  The course was mostly uphill for the first 15.5 miles, with a steep uphill for 5 or so of those miles.  That uphill was harder this time than it had been on the camping trip.  On the camping trip, I swam about 800 meters in the morning, then we had lunch, then did the bike ride, so I was rested.  This time my body was tired, even though my spirit was full of energy.  It got tough so I started singing to myself an old army cadence that I modified a bit.  I started with, “I can get to Sunriver just like this.  All the way to Sunriver never quit!”  and after awhile I started singing about all the tough stuff in my life that I’ve gotten through- divorce, cancer, single parenthood, deaths of loved ones, etc.  When I got through all the tough stuff, I had a big epiphany- I started singing “I can celebrate my life just like this.  Celebrate my life never quit!”  I realized that so much of my life has been about getting through something hard.  I have had moments of celebration in my life, but not whole long stretches of celebration.  The bike ride was, for me, a 29 mile celebration of my life.  I ended the bike ride feeling 10 feet tall, magnificently transformed into a strong, powerful, awesome, self-confident WONDER WOMAN!

On the ride I used my helmet camera for the first time.  My brother, Steve, gave it to me for my birthday- thanks Steve!  I had practiced with it, but hadn’t yet used it on a ride.  I attached the remote to my bike, but it didn’t work.  So, I just kept the camera in my back pocket, then took it out, started it, attached it to my helmet, filmed, then detached it, turned it off, and put it back in my pocket.  I don’t yet have the capability to edit the video, so the clips start and end a bit rough (no, it’s not me wiping out at the end, just fumbling with the camera).  I’m including all of the clips I took because they are all amazing reminders to me of this peak life experience.

Pacific Crest Triathlon Statistics

Here are the statistics that I found most interesting.  For a full list, see RACE RESULTS

567- started the race

514- finished the race

254- men finished

303- women finished

15- age of the youngest participant, with a time of 2:32:29

80- age of the oldest participant, with a time of 3:34:34

1:18:18- slowest swim time

3:05:40- slowest bike time

2:24:50- slowest run time

My Times

Here are my official times:

Total Time:  4:01:15

Swim Time: 46:12

Transition One: 5:56

Bike Time:  1:52:46

Transition Two: 4:24

Run Time:  1:11:56

The Triathlon, Part One

Celebration Dinner- My Wonderful TEAM IN TRAINING!

I spent all day today resting and am still feeling rotten.  The medication for my infection has the lovely little side effect of making me want to puke!  But, as I’ve been resting, I’ve been re-living the triathlon and am ready to write about it!  It was such a HUGE event that I’m going to write about it in three parts, which makes sense, since there are three events.

Part One- The Swim

I did not sleep well the night before as I was quite nervous.  I probably got about 4 hours or so of sleep.  I woke up at about 5:00 charged up and ready to go.  I had a quick breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, then brought along a peanut butter, honey, and banana bagel sandwich.  We left the house and our first stop was the bike to run transition point, where I set up all of my running gear.  We then made the half hour drive out to the lake and got there around 7:00.  The race was due to start at 9:00.  The thought of a 2 hour wait really stressed me out and I knew that I could not stand around the transition area getting more and more nervous.  So, I made sure everything was set up for my bike, then I took a walk along the shore.

The day before I did a ritual under some trees along the shore- the same type of thing I did at the coast.  This time I left some special objects- the shells, the feathers, the rocks, and some herbs.  I had also sprinkled some herbs into the lake.  When I got back to this spot, everything was still set up.  I sat and meditated for a long time and I got super calm and happy and so excited!  I felt like the lake was friendly and all fear of the water was gone for me.  What a miracle!  For this race, I had to swim into the middle of the lake.  I’m the person that always needed to swim in the lane next to the wall at the pool, and the person that swam off course in the lake because I needed to stay near shore.  Today I found myself ready and looking forward to swimming this course!

After my meditation, I walked back to the transition area where there was a lot of activity with announcements being made and tips being given and teammates wishing each other luck.  The nervousness came back some and I had to obsessively go to the bathroom about 5 times.  As race time got closer, the bathroom lines got longer.  I had planned on eating my sandwich about half an hour before the race to give me a boost of energy, but I was so nervous that my stomach hurt and I could only nibble at it.

Finally, finally, it was time to go to the water.  I was in the third wave, with each wave starting 5 minutes apart.  I was able to get into the water for a few minutes to get used to the temperature.  It was cold, but felt refreshing and wonderful!  Then, it was time to go!  I held back to avoid the crowd, and noticed that about 5 other people were also holding back.  The course was marked by large orange markers (3 or 4 of them) and the only way I could do this race was to just focus on the orange marker right in front of me and imagine just swimming to that one marker.  For the first marker, I was able to maintain good swimming form and I didn’t panic.  I noticed someone nearby who seemed to be struggling- she was on her back, on her side, and even doggy paddling.  What disturbed me about this was that she was keeping up with me!  I had to really talk to myself and tell myself that it’s ok that I’m a slow swimmer.  The line from the Tortoise and the Hair kept going through my mind, “Slow and steady wins the race” only I replaced “wins” with “finishes”!

On my way to the second marker I started to get a little tired, but I decided not to rest until I got there.  I made it and had a little rest by swimming on my back.  At this point I was in the middle of the lake.  On the outer edges there were motor boats, jet skis, and kayaks keeping an eye on us.  The deal is if at any point we wanted out, we just needed to raise up both hands and a jet ski would ride us back in (referred to as The Ride Of Shame by some).  I was determined that I was NOT going in on a jet ski, as that would mean not being able to finish the race.  At this point, what really bothered me was that when I put my face in the water, I could taste and smell the fumes from the boats.  This made me sad to think of such a beautiful lake being so polluted by motors that I could actually taste it.  I had to do a mental trick of telling myself that I was just imagining it, and I was able to keep on going.  About this time, the wave of people 5 minutes behind me began to catch up and pass me.  The fastest swimmers zoomed by me and began crashing into my feet and bumping me with their arms.  I sucked in some water and could feel panic trying to come up.  I took a little detour and swam off course, to the outer edge, to avoid this wave.  I got onto my back again to calm myself.  Then, I kept going.

Finally, finally, I reached the last marker and was able to turn in towards shore and the finish line!  That last stretch felt so long!  I was exhausted and my arms didn’t want to keep going.  About half way between the marker and the shore, it finally sunk in that I was going to complete this swim!  I was so emotional I almost started crying in the water.  I was achieving something that all my life I thought was impossible.  Again, I pushed those thoughts aside and just focused on breathing and swimming until the water got sandy and I could see the bottom!  I cannot adequately describe the feeling of walking out of the water, up the boat ramp, which was covered in red carpet, and under the arch of the finish line.  I WOO HOOED under the arch and ran to my transition area, in total shock that I had just completed the swim.  The swim alone was enough of a miracle to satisfy me for life.

I was so happy to see my beautiful daughters, and my mom and brother cheering me on at the finish line!  My Team In Training coaches were there too, all cheering me on.  In the transition area, a competitive fire lit up in me.  I had planned on taking it easy, just focusing on finishing the triathlon.  But during the swim, I didn’t pass anyone, and I got passed by many, many people.  Now, I wanted to pass someone!  I quickly got changed and hopped on my bike.  Off I road with a huge grin on my face and a burst of energy, as if I hadn’t just swam almost a mile!

Just Before the Swim

Finished!

A PEAK LIFE EXPERIENCE!

Resting

I felt better today so I swam 1000 meters when I had the kids at the pool this afternoon.  I got home and all of a sudden my back cramped up again and  everything hurt.  After about an hour, I realized that I was having bladder infection-like pain in addition to muscle pain.  I drove myself to Urgent Care and sure enough, I’ve got an infection and a whole lot of pain.  My body’s way, perhaps, of saying REST! I’m going to listen.  Will post full triathlon details when I’m feeling better.

Links to more photos

Swim photos

Bike/Run Photos

Finish Photos

First Triathlon- DONE!

I did it!  I’ll write more details once I get a good night’s sleep and the cramping goes away.  Total time:  4 hours, 1 minute, 30 seconds. Here’s a few pics:

Finishing the Swim

Starting the Bike

Starting the Run